BEDTIME ROUTINES

GET THE LOWDOWN ON THE FINAL SHOWDOWN!

Most parents already have a great bedtime routine in place when I meet them, it’s one of the sleep messages I’ve seen filtered through into everyday parenting over the last 10 years, which is wonderful.

However, they often don’t understand why it’s just so important to have one, that it’s actually the best thing you can do to help structure your child’s sleep, and how to make it work for your family.

So why do you even need one in the first place? And what does a good bedtime routine actually look like?

5 BENEFITS OF A BEDTIME ROUTINE

• The most important reason to establish a good bedtime routine is to help your child feel safe and secure before they go to sleep
• A consistent bedtime helps to shape your child’s circadian rhythm (their internal body clock) and keeps the rest of the routine in line
• It helps to plan your day, even (and especially when) it goes pear-shaped
• It’s the beginning of the transition from day to night, so helps your child know that sleep is coming
• It’s the easiest time to implement any new sleep strategies or changes thanks to hormones and sleep pressure

WHAT AGE CAN YOU INTRODUCE A BEDTIME ROUTINE?

Babies from around 3 months of age can start to detect patterns so this is often the perfect time to start implementing a bedtime routine. Newborns are often fussy in the evenings up until around 8-12 weeks, needing lots of cuddles and and feeds, making it very difficult to get them settled.

If your baby is happy to sleep earlier, then there’s no reason to wait until 3 months of course. But for the majority, this isn’t the case so don’t put pressure on yourself to have to introduce one straight away.

Focus instead on making the evenings a sleep-inducing environment (mainly using light and activity) which will help their body clocks learn what time bedtime is now they are out of the womb and unable to take maternal cues. Once they’re ready, you’ll notice them getting sleepier in the evenings and accepting being put down for longer stretches.

WHEN IS THE IDEAL TIME FOR BEDTIME?

This is a question I get asked a lot! For most babies, toddlers and young children, somewhere within the 6:30-7:30pm window works well. Bedtime doesn’t always have to be at the exact time each night, but aiming for a time that you know works well for your child’s current schedule gives you wiggle room of around 15-20 minutes each way should you need to adjust.

Occasionally an earlier bedtime works well, such as during nap transitions when they have just dropped a nap, or if they are unwell. But consistently earlier than 6:30pm may lead to some extreme early rising which isn’t ideal for most!

If your child needs a shorter nights sleep, for example they only want 10 hours, and are wide awake happy to play after that amount of sleep, try a later bedtime of around 8pm to help them sleep until at least 6am. A later bedtime may also be useful if your child is struggling to fall asleep when they are just about to drop a nap, but aren’t quite ready – their sleep pressure needs a little longer to build up to help them settle more easily.

WHAT TO INCLUDE IN A BEDTIME ROUTINE

Bath – not always! Some children cannot bath every night due to skin conditions, a busy parent schedule or they find it too stimulating. The good news is that a bath doesn’t have to be included as part of the bedtime routine if it doesn’t work for you or your child. Whilst having a hot or cold shower/bath before bed has their unique benefits for sleep, most young children are having a lukewarm bath which is no different to not having one at all!

Nappy, pyjamas and teeth – a necessity. Getting changed and ready for bed is an obvious step but it can also be a great way to define the start of a bedtime routine, especially on days when they don’t have a bath. Getting changed in or near their bedroom or sleep area acts as part of the helpful bedtime cue, rather than them returning back to their living/play areas.

Milk – only up to their first birthday. Milk is crucial part of a baby’s diet up until they are a year, and giving a bedtime bottle/breastfeed is a great way to wind them down ready for sleep. However, once they are over a year, the guidelines change and the NHS advises parents to stops using bottles (for teeth health reasons) and to reduce their milk intake to 350ml OR 2-3 portions of dairy per day. If your child loves their bedtime milk, try offering it in a cup instead and swap teeth brushing to after.

Stories – always! See my full explanation below for why story time should be fun, but in my experience a child who has had a happy bonding experience through books and cuddles is much more likely to settle happily to sleep. Having an expectation of how many books is key – 2 is a good rule of thumb for a toddler, and help them by reducing their options to choose from if you find they are overwhelmed by the whole bookcase. If your child struggles when stories end, try playing guided meditation or an audiobook through a speaker to help you leave the room.

Darkness – yes, but not necessarily pitch black. A darkened room is the best cue you can give to your child at bedtime, so avoid using bright lights and instead use lamps or turn a light on in a nearby room instead. Babies often settle more easily at bedtime if they can’t see too much detail that distracts them so my rule of thumb for under twos is to have just enough light that you can see to move around in for night wakings and feeds. Toddlers however can start to develop a fear of the dark from around the age of 2, so if your child becomes afraid or shows signs of struggling to fall asleep, introduce a night light. Night lights should be red or amber, rather than blue or white, as the blue light emitted can inhibit sleep.

HELP THEM FEEL SAFE AND SECURE

One of the key reasons to have a bedtime routine is to help your child feel safe enough to sleep. A child who is securely attached is far more likely to sleep through the night when ready. Whether you’ve got a young baby, or a school-aged child, ensuring your child knows what to expect at this time of the evening, and the order of each step is a huge part of this psychological security blanket.  Consistency is key, but don’t be afraid of setting age appropriate boundaries too, as these are just as important – if you’re interested in more info on attachment and sleep you can find it here.

Another way children often help themselves to prepare for sleep is to mentally unload. If you have a child old enough to talk, you’ll have experienced the blank expressions when you ask them what they got up to that day, only for them to spill it all just as you’re tucking them in. This can be highly frustrating when you are tired at the end of the day and you just want to skip through to saying goodnight, but it’s not always because they are testing boundaries. It is a completely normal response as they are winding down, to feel the need to empty their thoughts and clear their heads for the night. So build a 5 minute chat into your bedtime routine, which gives them the chance to unload without the frustration that bedtime is taking longer than it should!

If your child is struggling with unloading at bedtime, and are potentially feeling quite anxious, try the positive bedtime sandwich. Offer them a positive story from your day and ask them what made them feel happy or proud that day. Then ask them if they have let sad/scared/alone that day, and again offer up an example of something that made you angry/sad [insert negative emotion] – don’t push them for an answer if they are unwilling to share that night. Finish it up with a positive to look forward to, even if it can’t directly relate to what their negative response was. For example, you are making their dinner tomorrow, or visit a family member/friend they enjoy seeing at the weekend.

BEDTIME DOESN’T HAVE TO BE BORING!

Most parents are surprised when I tell them bedtime can actually be fun! Dads are usually pleased as they’ve often been told to ‘calm it down’! I will admit that I learnt much of this rule as a parent watching Davey have great fun with his Dad, but also I have never visited a home at bedtime with a toddler and witnessed a bedtime that typifies what most parents imagine bedtime to be. Children have a natural energy surge, known as the forbidden sleep zone, just before they are ready to crash for the night – so there’s no point in fighting it!

If you’ve missed your child all day, feel free to enjoy them and include play as part of your bedtime routine. Most children cope well with a good playtime and even fresh air after dinner, just before starting the bedtime routine. But some can also enjoy a great deal of tickling whilst going into their pyjamas, a quick game of hide and seek to help let them release excess energy, and a fun wrestle to get them into bed. And bedtime stories, they are just made for silly voices and enthusiasm. They are most definitely not a tool to bore your child to sleep. They also don’t have to happen sat in a chair or bed – many parents have more success introducing the concept sat on the floor if their baby is quite active and unable to sit still for too long.

So enjoy, but know the key goal is for them to know that when playtime is over, it really is time to settle down for the night. But quite the opposite to what you’d expect, it’s usually much better received after they’ve had the chance to play, rather than if they have been told multiple times to ‘calm down’ ready for bed.

Tip – if your baby struggles with settling down with a book, a walking wind down can be a great way to help them calm in readiness for sleep. Spend a couple of minutes holding them, walking around a darkened environment saying goodnight to various objects around the room.

BEDTIME ASSOCIATIONS

You may have heard that your child needs to be put down ‘drowsy but awake’, a term I have come to despise over the last decade! It makes many parents question whether their child needs to be able to self settle in order to have a good night’s sleep. Sleep associations are a whole other topic that I will be covering very soon, but the short of it is that if your child is using an association such as feeding or rocking to sleep, and everyone involved is happy with the process and the amount of overnight sleep, then leave well alone. If however, you have night wakings you aren’t happy with, and you think it might be due to a lack of self settling skills, you might find it useful to read this blog to help you decide if it’s right for you and your child.

BEDTIME BATTLES

Bedtimes are often a source of conflict at certain stages, such as if your child is suffering from separation anxiety, or if they are under/overtired. It’s alway a common time for delay tactics and the excuses to keep you from leaving can be brilliant, if not highly frustrating.

So how should you sign off at the end of the bedtime routine? Keep it brief, especially if they are dealing with separation anxiety – see more info in this blog post. If you’re struggling with bedtime battles, and delays, you may find our bedtime pass free resource useful. I also offer a free 15 minute assessment call so get in touch if you want to chat more about any bedtime issues you’re having, and find out if and how I can help.

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