The 2am Side of Fatherhood Nobody Talks About

A dad coach’s advice for surviving sleep deprivation with a baby

Father’s Day often celebrates the big moments in fatherhood: teaching your child how to ride a bike, kicking a football in the park, reading bedtime stories or helping with homework.

But much of fatherhood in the early years is happening when no one’s watching. At 2am. At 5am. In the dark, pacing the landing with a baby who won’t settle. Taking over so your partner can get an extra hour of sleep. Learning the difference between a sleeping noise and a wake-up cry. Navigating the exhaustion, uncertainty and pressures that come with becoming a parent.

Whether you’re a first-time dad adjusting to life with a newborn, supporting your partner through sleepless nights, or trying to balance work and family life with a baby who isn’t sleeping well, these challenges are incredibly common. Yet they’re rarely talked about openly.

As a night nanny and sleep consultant, I have the privilege of seeing families during some of their most sleep-deprived moments. While much of the conversation around babies naturally focuses on mums, I spend just as much time witnessing the quiet, unseen ways dads support their families too.

The reality is that becoming a parent can feel overwhelming, and while support for new parents has improved, fathers are still often expected to simply get on with it. Many are balancing work, family responsibilities, relationship pressures and sleep deprivation with very little support directed specifically at them.

That’s why I wanted to shine a light on the fathers behind the scenes this Father’s Day, and take the opportunity to share some wisdom from Steve, a dad coach who supports fathers through the realities of modern parenting. Together, we’ve seen that the families who navigate sleep deprivation most successfully aren’t necessarily the ones with the easiest babies. They’re often the ones who learn how to work as a team.

Here are some of the lessons Steve has learned from coaching dads through the tiring evenings, sleepless nights, and the challenges of life with a baby.

have a plan, not a guess

The families who cope best with sleep deprivation aren’t the ones with the easiest babies. They’re the ones who have a plan. When everyone is tired during those early months, it isn’t wise to rely on good intentions alone. Discuss when each of you can do your share, and agree on a plan before the night begins.

protect yourself too

Sleep deprivation is rarely just a sleep problem. The less you sleep, the worse you eat, the less patient you become, and the harder everything feels. It’s important to look at ways to take care of yourself as well, finding something to help you that doesn’t impact the family too much. Self care can be tough for new parents, but finding a small window just to concentrate on you (and the commute doesn’t count as you-time!) is crucial for everyone’s happiness and stability.

small wins matter

In the early years, a lie-in isn’t 10am, it’s simply making it to 7am (and even that is a dream for many babies!). However if that little extra sleep means a lot to each of you, find a time to give your partner that extra hour in bed, wherever possible. Not only is it helpful to be realistic, but those small gestures towards extra sleep (or a similarly necessary but unachievable goal), can be a huge win for both of you as parents.

not everything is urgent

When you’re exhausted, everything feels important. Usually, it isn’t. A huge part of Steve’s role is helping dads prioritise – figuring out what needs attention now, and what can wait until everyone is getting a little more sleep. 

listen before you fix

Most partners don’t need a solution at the end of a difficult day, they need to feel heard. As a working dad it can feel natural to come home and offload about your day, but Steve has discovered his clients find it much more rewarding in the relationship to listen first. Sometimes your own sharing can come later in the evening, or for a short while it may look like calling a friend on the way home instead.

one person’s tiredness doesn’t cancel out the other’s

One challenge many dads talk about is the transition from work to home. After a full day at work, it can feel overwhelming to walk straight into feeding, bathing, settling and bedtime. Equally, your partner may have spent the entire day caring for a baby with little opportunity for a break. Recognising that both of you have been working hard in different ways can help create understanding, rather than resentment. You can both be exhausted at the same time, in different ways. The danger comes when each of you assumes the other has had it easier.

support isn’t always 50/50

With maternity vs paternity leave as it currently is, dads aren’t always able to help physically support with a new baby 50% of the time. However, keeping an open dialogue, showing compassion, and showing up in other ways can really make a difference. Good parenting isn’t always 50/50. It’s both people giving what they can with what they’ve got.

tag-team the tough moments

It can be tempting to be a physical team tackling tears together, but when a baby needs holding and rocking to settle, this is definitely one for turn-taking. Of course if one of you is getting frustrated (which happens to us all!), swap over. Not only does this help in the short term, it also helps the baby to adapt to both parents and the inevitable slightly nuanced ways of settling, which in turn is brilliant for sleep later on. There’s no prize for both parents being exhausted.

different doesn’t mean wrong

As above, babies can thrive on different approaches. When one parent becomes the expert and is a critic, the partner becomes defensive. I’ve seen many dads come up with some brilliant strategies over the years of working alongside new parents, and often feel more comfortable if they are allowed to try it their way. There is certainly no one perfect approach that’s for sure! Allow each of you to discuss the challenges but to also each be able to find your own path. Parenting isn’t about finding one right way, it’s about finding your own way.

stop keeping score

The quickest way to lose as parents is to start competing over who is most tired. The tit-for-tat score keeping creates an environment which breeds resentment and emotional distancing. This is absolutely the time for a collaborative approach and team spirit. Nobody wins the exhaustion Olympics.

learn your baby’s language

Your baby already speaks a language, but for many new parents it can be tough to decipher the difference between what each noise means. For many dads that Steve has worked with, the challenge is learning it (quickly!) before you accidentally wake them up. Let’s face it, there’s no quicker way to a 3am argument than if you’re the one that’s woken the sleeping baby! Sometimes the difference between a sleeping baby and a crying baby is knowing the sounds they make in between.

learn your baby’s language

What strikes me most about Steve’s insights is that very few of them are actually about babies. They’re about teamwork, communication, compassion and patience. Plus remembering that you’re on the same side when sleep deprivation is trying its hardest to convince you otherwise. 

The families who navigate the early years most successfully aren’t necessarily the ones with babies who sleep through first. They’re often the ones who learn to support each other through the difficult nights, celebrate the small wins and give each other grace when things don’t go to plan.

So this Father’s Day, I’d like to acknowledge the dads doing the invisible work of parenthood.

The ones pacing the hallway at 2am.

The ones taking the early shift before their working day has even started.

The ones learning their baby’s language.

The ones listening, supporting and showing up, even when they’re running on empty.

The work you do matters. Your family notices, even when it feels unseen. And while there may be no medals for surviving the exhaustion Olympics, there is something far more important: knowing you’re helping your family through one of the most demanding and rewarding chapters of life.

need a little extra support?

If you’re feeling stretched, overwhelmed, or stuck between the demands of work and family life, Steve offers coaching specifically for fathers. His aim is to help dads find calm, reclaim control, and show up as the dad and partner they want to be, without burning out in the process. You can contact Steve at steveturner.coach@gmail.com.

If you’re struggling with sleep deprivation, frequent night wakings or settling difficulties, I support families with babies and young children through one-to-one sleep consultations and overnight support. Feel free to get in touch to book my free 15 minute assessment call and find out how I can help.

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